Conference call completed!

It was....umm....interesting to say the least. It lasted nearly 2 hours which surprised me. I really thought it wouldn't last that long but we talked about a lot of things. I was nice of course but I was kind of blunt or rather "real" is the word to use. I didn't hide what I was thinking really or try to pretty up what has happened in the past. I wanted them to know that I was quite hurt with my last journey and that I am a bit scared about embarking on a new one. Well, not just scared but very cautious as well.
I think they answered all the questions I could think of and then a few I thought of at the time. Granted, there are 2 things that still kind of worry me, well 3 actually, but the rest of it all sounded really good. Now I'm at the point of, do I want to take that leap despite my worries or do I want to pass? Passing could be a longer wait, not passing could mean I'm jeopardizing a happy stress free journey. But see, well I'll just write my worries out and maybe that will help me.
#1 they want to transfer 2 embryos as long as there are 2 to transfer.
#2 this could basically be a one shot deal. 3 frozen embryos only, all 3 thawed depending on how each one looks they will take 2 of the best ones and won't transfer any that aren't good or excellent which could also mean only 1 gets transferred
#3 IF and it is a BIG IF, an embryo splits and I end up with triplets or quads, there will be NO selective reduction

Now, with #1 I think I can handle transferring 2 embryos for a couple reasons. The embryos have been on ice for 14 years. She was 29 when they were fertilized and were obviously good quality at that time. The RE has told her there is only a 25% chance of each embryo being good or excellent quality. If by chance all 3 are good/excellent, they will still only transfer 2 and refreeze the last one. In that case, whether those 2 transferred result in a live birth or not, they will want to do another cycle with the last remaining embry to give it a chance at life. So really, my chances of just getting pregnant are slim, the chance of prenancy with twins is slim and the chance at pregnancy with HOM is even slimmer. This is a lot of work, time, energy, emotions to go into a one shot deal, even though I fully understand why they are doing it.

#2, well I think I covered that along with #1. Lots of time to spend on a one shot deal. Is it worth it to me?

#3 Its not really a huge issue but it does kind of concern me. Only in the sense that I had a very hard twin pregnancy and I'm scared to go through another, any more than twins really terrifies me. Along with that, I'm not so sure I'd even have a shot at delivering triplets vaginally and anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm also terrified of having a c-section. If I did I'm afraid that my pregnancy days truly would be over and that deeply saddens me.

Yes I realize that just having another pregnancy and complications could cause my pregnancy days to be over and I'm ok with that. The reason the c-section thing scares me is because I would have to fight like hell to have a VBAC I'm sure and I know good and well that I don't heal very easily from surgeries. The pain from a c-section is likely to cripple me for a good long time and thats not something that I would want to repeat EVER again.

Some of this I'm sure people will say just suck it up! They aren't that big of issues and you can work with it all. This of course is true. :) Does it mean I should suck it up though? I'm not sure and thats kind of where I'm struggling right now. I'm kind of in the same boat I was with my 2nd surrogacy and because of that I rushed head first into it and look where I ended up. Heartbroken and stressed. No, I didn't have an agency to fight for me at that time and I would now, but I still learned an important lesson about rushing into this type of thing.

I guess I'm going to take my time to really think about this and hopefully God will show me the way (even though I'm deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to his messages most of the time).

Keep me in your thoughts as I filter through all this information and crazy emotions to get to the right decision.

I'm so undecided!

I received an email today that they had a possible match for me. The couple is only a couple hours away from me, they have 3 kids through IVF and 3 frozen embryos. They want to give the embryos a chance at life but if it doesn't work they will not be moving forward with a fresh cycle.
This couple worries me for a couple reasons. First, they want to transfer 2 embryos. Second, its basically a one time deal because they only have 3 embryos and since they are frozen they will need to be thawed and the success rate of that is not the best. And third, to be honest, because the PIF is a doctor. Yea, that may sound tacky but they say doctors make the worst patients and I do NOT want to be over analyzed or have my doctors orders/opinions/suggestions scrutinized.
I could deal with most of my worries but I really REALLY don't want to go through another multiples pregnancy. I was so utterly miserable with the last set and I was soooo lucky to have a very uneventful vaginal delivery, I just don't think my luck will hold up once again and I'm absolutely terrified of a c-section.
Ansil thinks that we should at least talk with the couple before ruling anything out. I know in my head that is the right thing to do but I just don't want to. Maybe its because I'm not in the best frame of mind today or my emotions are running amok without me realizing it but I really want to write back and say no, I don't want to talk with them. :( And how terribly rude of me too!
Ansil also doesn't really have much of an opinion of them at this point other than to say give it a try and talk with them.
I guess thats what we will do but right now I'm really not feeling it and it sucks!

Not much going on

My profile has been sent out a few times and I personally haven't heard anything other than "nobody is ready for a phone conference yet" so I'm not entirely sure what that means. I asked if there was anything in my profile I needed to change or reword or take out and was told that it all looks great. I am getting the feeling though that theres something in there thats turning people off and it might be because of what I wrote in my "Dear Parents" letter. I was kinda frank about the issues with my last journey. I don't think it was bad per se but I can see how it could be construed as such because, well, it was pretty bad going through it. I am quite specific with certain things that I want and don't want this time around and although I would love to just say "yeah I'll do whatever you want" to match quickly, I really really really don't want to change what I know I need. My entire family will suffer for it, I know, I've seen it happen already. I know hubby is wanting things to move a bit quicker too but its just not and theres not a whole lot I can do about it right now. I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to be pregnant over my birthday again as it will be my 30th next year but it looks like I definitely will be now. I wish hubby would have agreed to this sooner so I could have been matching much much earlier than now. Ah well, can't change anything now!
So, theres an update albeit not much of one right now. Keep your fingers crossed that I have a much better one in the near NEAR future!

Discouraged a bit

Well, there is still no response from the German couple and I'm starting to think its because they aren't interested in me. They did send my profile to another local couple, well they are in MN although I don't know where so they are waiting on a response from them as well. I do hope that I hear something come Monday. I am feeling a bit discouraged. I know it can sometimes take a while to find the right couple and I know I'm a pretty ideal candidate considering this is my 3rd journey but I do have some pretty specific parameters that the couples need to agree to. Things that I will not compromise on. I've learned a lot through my first 2 journies and I've sworn I will not forget those lessons or let a great couple talk me out of what I feel I need.
I realize that you can't always prepare for every situation but I want to be covered in case the same things arise that have in the past.
I suppose this might be a hard selling point to some but really I'm not asking anything way out of the norm and if the couples truly care about ME and my family, they will understand and gladly accept things as they are.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, I'm really in need of some good news soon!